5 steps to controlling teachers during the zombie apocalypse


The government has decided the zombie apocalypse is upon us. Teachers are possibly equipped to be our best fighters so we need to keep them contained to protect the kids. The following is an essential survival guide to ensure that teachers are kept distracted and working for the constructed greater good rather than questioning the War on Zombies.


Step 1: Build a fortress around the school

  •  Limit contract staff and relief teachers to known operators in the district but make sure they are vetted by a central data bank. Direct contact between office staff or Deputies and foreign teachers is not recommended. When on campus, make sure they feel very unwelcome until they have proved they are not zombies. You can do this by banishing relief staff to the underused staff common room during their breaks.
  • Before making anyone permanent staff, ensure you keep them on their toes for several years so they continue to have to prove their zombie fighting abilities. They are the perfect brain fodder because they are full of new and vital enthusiasm and new ways of doing things. These particular brains can keep the zombies satisfied for longer periods of time, should the new teacher actually crash and burn at some point.
  • Make sure you develop a healthy suspicion of other educational institutions. Other schools and universities could actually be guerilla zombie factories. They are after all “feeder” schools.
  • Introduce items on the stationary and uniform list that are impossible for poorer families to purchase because we all know that the students that come from well financed and fortified homes are less likely to infect the school. This is an effective way of manipulating government “school choice” policy and keeping the school safe. Those poorer families that managed to scrape together enough money to purchase the items but have to work several jobs to finance food can be harassed into leaving by judging their lack of involvement.

Step 2: Survival kit

  • Maintain contact with other zombie attack fortresses around the world through educational technology. Its the only way for children to keep learning how to be “successful” in a world riddled with danger.
  • 3D printer to update any innovations in zombie fighting equipment
  • Do NOT under any circumstances, provide staff with stationary. The smallest pen can be used to disable a key zombie fighter. Likewise, keep morale low by removing tea and coffee provisions. There is nothing like a misused coffee cup and strangely disappearing milk to keep staff suspicious of each other. This is what you want so they don’t turn their attentions to the big picture.

Step 3: Basic training

  • Make sure all professional development is provided in-house. Moan constantly about the lack of funds to offset staff asking for off campus opportunities.  Occasionally allow opportunities for off campus training as long as it is provided by departmental sources.
  • Ensure the training institutions function in a similar manner. Keep them worried for their jobs, inward focused, muzzled with jargon and underfunded. Ensure the standards compliance is core to their program. Leave only a tiny amount of room for critique so they feel good about themselves. If the trainers can’t fit critique in, chances are they will produce performance focused graduates.

Step 4: Propaganda

  • Display a list of requirements to be an effective zombie fighter. Make sure that the standards are actually good but strategically remove any wording that hints at critical engagement with education authorities or individual agency. Strike fear in the heart of all by using sensationalist words and phrases like audit, casualisation of the workforce, loss of superannuation to ensure compliance without actual mandating. Suggested motto: “This set of standards is the only way you can be the best teacher you can be. Think of the kids you will save from the zombies.” Sacrifice a few new and almost retirement age teachers to the zombies to drive your point home. Approach standardised testing and curriculum culture the same way.
  • Trot out examples of successful zombie fighters to motivate and inspire. Encourage teachers to share classroom success online so they can feel a sense of the above success through retweets and likes.  Encourage a culture of success before coaching by dropping phrases like “that kid doesn’t act like that for me”. Look inward at all times. We now know that the popular kid is the one that ignores or harasses you most of the time and then turns their benevolent gaze on you for just long enough to spark a sense of hope before using it against you with phrases like “oh you are good at that, I can’t possibly do it, can you load all the data for me?” Learn from the popular kid. They are masters of mass control.
  • Make zombie fighters continue to  justify their importance to society by regularly trotting out binary creating articles from the mass media. Keep infighting alive rather than letting teachers turn their vast experience and creative energy outward. The key is to keep the fortress self-building by making these practices cultural rather than political.

Clare and Frank Underwood in ‘House of Cards’ Season 4, Episode 13: ‘Chapter 52’

Step 5: Never ever allow true innovation

Knock innovation on the head with your full arsenal of resistance. The most effective approach to date has been to do something established, well regarded and embedded in the curriculum with a 3D printer and call it innovative. Remember true innovation  could result in the carefully constructed fortress being torn down to reveal the zombie apocalypse is a construction of the policy makers.

Good luck troops


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